There is nothing more beautiful in this life than a good friendship. When I was a teenager, my father held out his hand, spread his five fingers wide, and said to me, “If you find five true friends in your lifetime, you will have lived a life infinitely blessed.” At the time, I thought it was a little strange because I had so many friends, but as the years have passed, my father’s wisdom has become more and more apparent.

Friendship

The question I have struggled with over the years is, “What constitutes a true friend?” Perhaps it would be helpful for you to pause for a moment and reflect. Who are your true friends? What makes them good friends?

As a child, I thought friendship was about hanging out together all the time and sticking up for each other when others were critical or cruel. In my adolescence, I thought a true friend was someone who liked everything you liked and never did anything to upset you. But as an adult, I have learned that the defining quality of a true friendship is when the other person encourages you to be all you can be, challenges you to become the-best-version-of-yourself, and vice versa.

What sort of people do you like being with? What types of people give you energy?

As I look at my life and my years of traveling, there are certain people who I yearn to spend time with. Some days, as I walk through the airport and look at the television monitors to see which gate my flight is leaving from, I look at the list of cities and one will catch my eye. For a moment, I wish I were going to that city. Why? Because there is someone in that city who inspires and energizes me to be all I can be.

I love being around people who are constantly striving to better themselves. They energize me. They inspire me. They challenge me.

Socially, I try to surround myself with people who make me want to be a better person. I admit they are not easy to find, but when you do find them, they are more precious than any treasure or pleasure this world has to offer.

If you want a litmus test for choosing friends, use this question: Will spending time with this person make me want to be a better person?

Spiritual Friends & Loneliness

I try to apply this truth not only to my social life, but also to my spiritual life. This is why the saints are such good friends. They challenge us to become all we can be and encourage us to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. But the real beauty is found in their method. They don’t preach endless sermons, and they don’t try to impose their views on others – they challenge, inspire, and encourage us simply by living their own lives to the fullest. That is the social dynamic of holiness. It is attractive, and it is contagious.

If you and I sit down at lunch and you order soup and a salad, it makes me think twice about ordering a double cheeseburger with bacon and fries. If my friends are going to the gym after work, I feel that inner nudge to work out myself. If a colleague is honest and humble about a mistake he has made, I am humbled by his example of humility.

Goodness is contagious. The problem is, so is evil. The challenge for you and me, as Christians in the midst of the modern world, is to be examples of good living.

None of us realize how much we influence others. Everything you do, people are watching, and everything you say, people are listening. The influence of your words and actions is contributing to the way they live their lives. In A Call to Joy, I wrote, “You will learn more from your friends than you ever will from books. Choose your friends wisely.”

This is why the saints are such treasures. They may have lived in another place and time, but they can be true friends. I’d rather spend a couple of hours with Francis of Assisi and Teresa of Avila than with some of my contemporaries on a Friday night getting drunk. I’d much rather spend time with dead people who inspire me to be all I can be than with live people who lead me to be just a shadow of all God created me to be.

I promise you, it is better to spend time with dead people who bring you to life than with live people who lead you to death.

From time to time, I meet people who are dating a person they know they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with. If you ask them why, they say it is because they don’t like being alone. I have learned it is better to be alone than with the wrong person.

Don’t be afraid of your loneliness. Use it as an opportunity to befriend people who inspire you. Harness your loneliness as a chance to befriend the saints.

Foster this Spirit

The one quality we should try to develop is this striving to better ourselves. Each morning when I am showering, I ask myself the same question: What will it take today for me to become the better person I know I can be? Then I go through the four major areas of life: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. In each of these areas, I try to focus on one thing I can do that day to grow.

It is the transformation that energizes us and fills our lives with passion and enthusiasm.

Focus on developing the spirit of transformation in your life. When you are choosing friends, choose those who are striving to better themselves. And if you are young and single, and sense you are called to marriage, seek a soul mate, a spouse, a companion for the journey who has this quality.

Bright Lights

The saints were remarkable men and women, but surprisingly what made them remarkable was rarely anything too spectacular. What made them extraordinary was the ordinary. In the ordinary things of everyday life, they strove to grow in virtue. If they were caring for the sick, they were growing in humility. When they were educating the children, they were growing in patience.

There is something ultimately attractive about holiness. When holiness emerges in any place and time, all men and women of good will are inspired. What is it that makes them so attractive? The saints want to improve themselves. It is this one quality that is incredibly attractive and ultimately inspiring. They are not proud and arrogant about who they are and what they have done. They are focused on becoming the-best-version-of-themselves. They are striving with all their might to become the better people they know they can be. All their time, effort, and energy are focused on becoming perfectly the person God created them to be.

Recently, I walked into a bookstore, and sitting on the shelves in the front of the store, were several large coffee-table type books. One of them caught my eye, so I walked over to have a look. For the next ten minutes, I flipped through the pages of two books, glancing at the pictures, and a great fire was fanned in my heart. One was about the life of Mother Teresa and the other about the life of John Paul II. The world has a great need for the example of authentic lives because we all need to be inspired. We need to be reminded of what is possible. These people have allowed God to fill them with his love, and the glow of that love alive in them is blinding. The power of their lives and the greatness of their spirits cannot be adequately put into words. But occasionally, in the memory of an event in their lives, or in the story a photo tells, we catch a glimpse.

Just passing through those pages, glancing at the pictures, my heart was elevated and my spirit began to soar. Just looking at those pictures made me want to be a better person. I didn’t even read a word. That is the power of these great lives.

They are the personification of that phrase from Matthew’s Gospel – Luceat Lux Vestra – “Let your light shine” (Matthew 5:16). And because they have allowed God to shine so powerfully through them, men and women of all faiths gasp in awe of their presence.

Even a blind man knows when he is in the presence of a bright light.

There is nothing more attractive than holiness. Throughout history, wherever men and women of holiness have lived, the Church has blossomed and bloomed. This is the answer to all of our questions and the solution to all of our problems – holiness of life.

It is probably apparent to most that moral training within households, churches, and schools has moved from “rules-based” to “ends-based” ethics. The origins of this trend were quite well-intentioned. During the early 1960s, psychologists and psychoanalytically-based philosophers and theologians tried to give emphasis to empathy, respect for the individual person, and care, which gave rise to a kind of teleological personalistic ethics (one that associated good actions with optimizing empathy, respect, and care within particular situations). This was an exceptionally important and good trend in human relations, workplace environment, family environment, and even ethics. However, it had one major drawback. Some of the key proponents of personalistic ethics claimed that depersonalized ethics was attributable in great part to the overemphasis on rules-based ethics. This contention might have been true in a limited number of situations, but it certainly did not warrant or substantiate the false dichotomy between personalistic ethics and rules-based ethics that soon resulted. Some psychologists even proposed that in order to be free to empathize with and care for others deeply, we had to get over our “hang-ups” about rules and the guilt associated with them. As this false dichotomy worked its way into the commonsense environments of the workplace, popular media, family, church discussion groups, high school classrooms, and even university seminars, it became commonly accepted. Many academicians even suspected that too many rules would “stunt” one’s capacity for empathy and love. Rules almost seemed to get in the way of ethics!

The above false dichotomy combined with another phenomenon to produce a virtual eclipse of rules-based ethics within the culture, namely, the absolutizing of the principle of toleration. Again, the demise of rules-based ethics seems to have arisen out of what was initially a good, helpful, and important movement within Western culture. The late 70s, 80s, and 90s brought with them not only a vigorous desire for racial and ethnic diversity, but also a desire to respect all cultures and dispositions out of respect for individuals, and a desire to reverse historical momenta of inequity. These movements were not only well-motivated, but responsible in great part for social progress and the alleviation of past injustices.

Unfortunately, as with the proponents of personalistic ethics, the proponents of toleration created a false dichotomy between their main principle and rules-based ethics. Some proponents declared that ethical rules belonged to Western or Judeo-Christian culture, and that insistence on these rules was tantamount to cultural insensitivity (at the very least), or cultural domination (at worst). Some proponents even suggested that such principles represented religious arrogance, the sanctioning of religion, workplace intolerance, religious intolerance within schools, and so forth. The absolutization of the principle of tolerance seemed to be directly proportionate to the decline of rules-based ethics.

It must be emphasized here that the principles of toleration, cultural diversity, and pluralism are very positive. A problem occurs only when toleration is absolutized, set above all other principles, and therefore set into a false dichotomy with those other principles. Nevertheless, the problem happened, and it significantly undermined rules-based ethics in Western culture. In order to avoid the seeming negative influence of rules-based ethics, educators and church leaders advocated a movement away from it toward “values training.” Values training does not necessarily advocate an elucidation of ethical, unethical, moral, or immoral behaviors, but only an elucidation of what a particular person considers to be valuable. Thus, the objectives of values training could be satisfied by simply saying, “I consider monetary security, feeling right about life, and a modicum of love to be valuable; therefore, I will have lived a good life if I have pursued and have been able to acquire some of these ‘values.’” This represents a significantly weaker ethical position than radical utilitarianism and situationism, for it does not even advocate a minimization of harm or a maximization of social benefit.

The sad part about the above trends is that the dichotomy drawn between personalism/toleration and rules-based ethics is quite unnecessary, misleading, and harmful. One can believe in inviolable principles and the intrinsic dignity of others simultaneously. Indeed, the two are mutually complementary! One can also believe in inviolable principles and toleration for individual and cultural differences simultaneously. One need only remember that toleration cannot be absolute, for tolerance of what is destructive of others can be the worst form of intolerance of their personhood. When tolerance becomes absolute, it generally leads to inherent contradictions. If one tolerates genocide, one is blind to the inalienable rights of the non-tolerated group.

As personalism and the “absolutizing of toleration” became more accepted, the falsely dichotomized rules-based ethics became less accepted, and television shows, movies, family discussions, church sermons, and grade school / high school discussions barely mentioned right or wrong, good or evil, good character or bad character, or “thou shalt not….” We became extremely positive toward the positive, but failed to be negative toward the negative. As will be seen, the latter is just as important as the former in the prevention of public calamity and the restoration of the public trust. A resolution to our current ethical difficulties will require a redressing of the above false dichotomies.

I was having lunch with the top salesperson of a company. I asked Ryan what he did that made him so successful. Ryan’s answer was stunningly simple and equally profound. He said, °Two things. First, I give everyone a chance to buy from me. I don’t care who they are or what they look like. I give everybody the same chance to buy from me. The customers that other salespeople run away from, I run to them. Second, once I’ve properly qualified my customers and I am faced with the likelihood that they aren’t able to buy today, I give them five extra minutes. Do I waste some time? I guess I do, but let me tell you, I don’t know what it is about those extra five minutes, but I have been able to put together deals in that time. Worst case, my customers appreciate the fact that I was willing to spend a few extra minutes with them. In fact, I’ve even gotten a couple of referrals from those five minutes. I call it “my last chance dance.”

The funny part is that another salesperson was sitting there with us and upon hearing Ryan’s comments said, “Nah, that can’t be it, that’s too simple. There’s got to be something else. Come on, tell us what you really do.”

The truth is sales is not all that complicated. Or rather, it is only complicated if you let it be. Some salespeople turn what

could be a mutually beneficial encounter into a stress-inducing event. They make what is essentially a simple process into a complex one. Let me see if I can help undo the unnecessary complexity.

The concept and content of my book, Christ-Centered Selling, is simple. It’s about three principles. Establish trust, create value, serve the customer. That’s it. Often times the simple truths are the most profound. And so it is with these. Let me start with a little detail on each of the principles.

Establish trust as the basis for doing business

Trust is the single most important factor in determining the likelihood of a sale; no trust, no sale. Trust is absolutely essential to the success of Christ-Centered Selling. Without trust there can be no persuasion; there is only manipulation. This point cannot be stressed often enough or strongly enough. Trust enables persuasion; distrust leads to manipulation. Trust arouses interest; distrust arouses suspicion.

Without trust, your customers become objects to be manipulated instead of people to be persuaded. Without trust there can be no basis for a relationship, short-term or long-term. Without trust the sales process becomes filled with slick questions and tired clichés. With trust your customers see you as an ally rather than an enemy. With trust a sense of mutual respect is able to take root and grow. With trust the process is more peaceful and more profitable.

Create value in you and your product or service

The second principle of Christ-Centered Selling is to create value in you and your product or service. More often than not, it is the value that you create in yourself (as opposed to your product) that matters most. Creating value in you is firmly establishing in your customers’ minds what your worth is to them. Creating value in your product or service is firmly establishing in your customers’ minds the worth of your product or service to them.

If your customers do not perceive value, why would they want to buy your product? If your customers do not perceive value, why would you want them to buy your product? A Christ-Centered salesperson never sells a customer unless he first establishes trust and creates value. For a Christ-Centered salesperson knows that not to do so makes the process complicated, indeed.

Serve the customer without regard for the sale

The third principle of Christ-Centered Selling is to serve the customer without regard for the sale. You serve customers best by giving them both what they want and how they want it, whether or not they buy from you. This is the true heart of the Christ-Centered salesperson: selfless service. What if you really believed and acted as if your mission as a salesperson was to serve and not to sell? What if your guiding principle was, °How can I serve my customers, whether or not they ever buy from me?°® How would that change how you do business? This third principle is the capstone for many and a stumbling block for others.

What makes these principles Christ-Centered is that they are contained in Scripture, both implicitly and explicitly. Over the course of the next few articles I will be examining these principles in light of Scripture and our Catholic faith.

Everyday it strikes me more and more clearly that while success is the most revered aspiration in our modern society, our individual and collective need is for something much simpler. If you scratch just below the surface you discover that the hearts and lives of millions of people in this success-oriented world are plagued by loneliness, isolation, lack of friendship and intimacy, broken relationships, boredom, feelings of emptiness and depression, and a deep sense of uselessness.

Just on the other side of the contemporary facade of wealth, success, popularity, and power, is an overwhelming dissatisfaction and an immense interpersonal and spiritual poverty. If you listen carefully, from behind that facade you will hear a cry: “Is there anybody who loves me? Is there anybody who really cares? Is there anybody interested in spending time with me? Is there anybody who wants to be with me when I am not in control, when I am not successful, when I just feel like crying? Is there anybody who can hold me and give me a sense of belonging?”

Our great need as human beings is for love. We each need opportunities both to love and to be loved.

This message of love was of course most powerfully manifested in the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. When He was alive, men were seeking power, efficiency, control and success just as they do today. The ways of the world do not change. When Christ walked the earth, the world did not pay Him any attention. They crucified Him and disposed of Him. He was useless to their selfish and loveless designs. Two thousand years ago His message of love was rejected by a world in search of power, success, and control. The ways of the world do not change, but nor do the ways of God.

God is love. Nothing can convince me of otherwise, and His love is unconditional and independent. His love is not dependent on what we can do, or what we have accomplished. He loves us because we are His children – the fruits of His own creativity and love. The love of God does not need to be earned; it simply needs to be accepted. But we have so much difficulty acknowledging and accepting His love.

There is an exercise that I use from time to time during prayer. I begin by sitting still, closing my eyes, and imagining a time when I felt truly loved. For a few moments I allow myself to relive the experience in my mind, absorbing the love I was shown at that time by that person. Then I begin to

imagine different times when I have experienced love in my life, one after another. After a minute or two I start to run through the times when I have witnessed the love between other people. Then I start to imagine all the love that people have shown each other throughout human history. In my mind I allow all this love to collect in one enormous bucket as if it were water. And then, I tell myself, “Take all the love you have ever experienced, together with all the love you have ever witnessed, together with all the people throughout history have given and received, and place it all together. Then multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of eternity, and you will still have barely a glimpse of the love of God.”

When I come to this point in my meditation I simply allow myself to bathe in the love of God. I just sit there and allow Him to completely immerse me in His love.

Just days after suffering the unimaginable torments of being crucified, the risen Lord appeared to a small group of friends. There on the beach, Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these others do?” Peter replied and Jesus asked again, “Do you love me?” Again Peter replied, “Yes, Lord, you know I love you.” But Jesus asked a third time, “Do you love me?”

True God and true man. Perfectly God and perfectly man. While Jesus was alive His only concern had been to announce the unconditional love of God, yet He had just one question, “Do you love me?”

Very often the questions we ask determine the direction of our lives. Once we see the world for what it is, we discover that the question is not: How successful are you? How many people take you seriously? How much money do you earn? What college did you go to? What type of car do you drive? How much are you going to accomplish? No, the real question is: Are you in love with God? Do you know the heart of God? The heart of God is a heart that forgives, it is a heart that cares, a heart that reaches out and wants to heat. It is a heart that listens and understands. In the heart of God you will not find suspicion, vindictiveness, resentment, or hatred. It is a heart that simply and solely desires to give love and receive love. It is a heart of great joy and deep peace, but the heart of God also experiences torturous pain because its sees the immensity of human suffering. To those who will overcome the great resistance and learn to trust, the heart of God offers unending hope and deep, deep consolation.

In our world of loneliness, brokenness, and despair there is a great need for men and women who know the heart of God. Only these men and women will remind our tired culture that every time fear, isolation, and despair begin to intimidate and invade the human soul, this is not the work of God.

God is love and only love. He has no desire to manipulate us around to His point of view, but He calls us gently and persistently to experience His love. This alone is our common need and our universal desire: simply to know that we are loved, unconditionally and without limitation.

Simply to know that we are loved…Sadly, few people do.

One of the most common questions I get from readers of my books and audience members at my talks goes something like this: “What do I do if my manager is the problem on my team? I mean, I don’t have control over him. How am I supposed to have any influence?” Sometimes the question isn’t even about a manager, but about a peer or employee in another department within the organization.

I used to respond to those questions by encouraging people to try to focus on influencing their own department and maybe even accept their situation for what it is. And while there is virtue in doing both of those things, I’ve recently come to the realization that there is an additional option-and a powerful one-that most of us are reticent to use, or perhaps unaware of. What I’m referring to is something I’ll define as moral authority.

Moral authority, as I’m using it here, is simply the power we have to affect change by appealing to what is right and good. It exists above and beyond the formal power structure in any organization or society, and rests upon the idea that people generally want to do what is good and what is best. Most importantly, it is available to all of us with the courage and emotional intelligence to use it properly.

An example might be helpful.

Let’s say my children fail to clean their room one day, and I announce that they have to go to bed a half hour early as punishment. If they believe my decision is unfair, they have a choice to make. They can tantrum, hoping that I’ll somehow change my mind just to avoid the pain and suffering of listening to them complain. Or they can choose the more political route, and go to their mom and try to drive a rift between us. Or they can exercise their moral authority and calmly, directly explain that they didn’t clean their room because they have a big school project due the next day, and they’ve been spending all of their time building an Egyptian pyramid out of sugar cubes.

Unless I’m a cold-hearted tyrant, there is a darn good chance that a reasonable explanation, mixed with a pledge to get back on track after the pyramid project has been completed, will yield a change of verdict on my part. In fact, as the manager/judge/warden of my boys, I actually want and expect them to appeal to my better judgment if I’m missing something. When they don’t, but

instead to throw a tantrum or political maneuvering, I assume they know my decision is correct and that they’re trying to pull a fast one on me.

This same phenomenon occurs in the places where we work outside our homes.

A manager makes an unpopular policy decision that does not seem to be in the best interest of the company. Employees grumble to one another, peppering their manager’s assistant with complaints that she passes along to the boss in the form of anecdotal information. Those same employees then try to find a way to thwart the policy by exploiting a technicality or lobbying others in the company to join their chorus of complaints. Eventually, chaos and dissent rise to a level where the leader must make a decision-relent to the pressure and look weak, or stand firm and cement his or her reputation as an authoritarian who is not concerned about employees. It’s a no-win situation for the manager, which will produce a poor outcome for the company.

A better approach would be for employees to respectfully go to the manager directly and explain that they have the same general goals as the manager but that the new policy won’t ultimately help them to accomplish those goals. As simple as that sounds, and possibly even naïve, it is amazing to me how readily most leaders respond to the exertion of moral authority. But with one caveat.

Moral authority can’t become moralistic authority. Too often we confuse the idea of taking a moral stand on an issue with taking a moralistic one. When we do that, when we come across as judgmental or condescending or angry, we run the risk of putting the person we’re trying to influence on the defensive, which only encourages them to hold their ground and shut us out. The key to effective moral authority is taking a stand based on what is good while being kind and respectful and even empathic to the person we’re trying to influence.

Now, moral authority certainly has its limits, especially in an organization or a society without common values. And it cannot force an excessively stubborn, insecure or ignorant leader to do something they don’t want to do. However, most of us fail to even consider using moral authority without knowing with confidence that the stubbornness, ignorance or insecurity of a leader is really insurmountable.

I realize that all of this sounds extremely simple and obvious. Which begs the question, ‘why don’t we do this more?’ Sometimes we’re afraid that it won’t work and that we’ll be punished. This is usually an exaggerated fear. Sometimes we assume that the leader who made the decision must have considered every option and chose the one they did carefully, and with conviction. This is very often an inaccurate and unfair assumption. But more often than not, I think we simply fail to realize that exercising moral authority is even an option, one that is in everyone’s best interest, especially the leader’s.

What can you do to help others as we face uncertain economic times and rising unemployment? Plenty!

Since 2001, I have participated in an innovative parish ministry, SING (St. Isidore’s Networking Group) to assist those who are “in transition.” The ministry was founded by the parish school principal, Kathy Gannon-Briggs and four parishioners who lost their jobs during the dot.com crash. Kathy’s involvement was a natural as her husband, Jim Briggs, serves as the head of Santa Clara University’s Career Development program. This ministry has had a remarkable track record, helping more than 150 people, including professionals, managers, and director/vice-president level executives find new positions.

The ministry team included people in transition and fully employed volunteers who donated critical skills and insights to the effort. These included human resource, search, interviewing, resume writing, branding, and networking skills. Volunteers included Michael Breen, former EVP of Lowe and Partners, who brought branding and communication skills; Pat Lencioni, New York Times best-selling author of “Five Dysfunctions of a Team” (and six other books), who brought organizational development tools; and John Younger, Founder and CEO of Accolo, who brought process understanding of a successful career search.

The ministry team met with those in transition every other week to identify obstacles, provide needed help (mock interviews, review resumes,

recommend networking directions), and establish accountability. The ministry was not limited to St. Isidore’s parishioners but was open to other parishes and faith traditions, Christian and non-Christian.

Participation in this ministry peaked in 2003. We reduced the frequency of our meetings as the need for help lessened. The ministry has been maintained primarily since 2005 via an internet-based email distribution system on which members post-jobs, resumes, inquiries for networking help related to particular companies, and inspirational messages. We have over 600 subscribers today.

Put your strengths and business know-how to work today and organize a parish-based transition ministry in your church. Not only will you be a light for others as they face the economic uncertainty and darkness, but you will grow in giving and you will meet some great people…This is what the Body of Christ is all about.